If you have been following my journey, you know that last year I had a miscarriage with my first pregnancy.
After taking some time to both physically and mentally heal, Matt and I knew we wanted to try again soon. #TTC
So, that’s what we did.
Unlike the first time, I became really serious (maybe even a little obsessed) with checking and charting. While my body was healing, I downloaded two fertility apps and read numerous articles about how best to conceive.
If you’re new to my blog, then you may not know that I am a woman of faith and believe in God’s timing. However, with that said, I am also a planner who has a hard time letting go of control. I know. You would think by now I would learn my lesson, but I promise, I’m working on it.
While reading and researching was informative, and I learned a lot about natural conception and the female body, I may have become a little too focused on conceiving and being in my fertile window. I was starting to take the fun out of having sex with my husband.
In December, Matt and I took a trip of a lifetime to Madikwe, South Africa (You can read all about that here), and this was a time for us to reset. And I needed to reset.
South Africa ended up being just what we needed. Matt and I were able to reconnect and recharge while exploring a new country.
One day, while on an early morning game drive, we saw this faint rainbow, and I felt such a peace come over me.
I immediately thought of two things: 1) God’s promise to us, and 2) God’s promise to me for a rainbow baby.
I knew in my heart that God was telling me, “I hear you. Be patient.”
If that wasn’t enough of a sign, a few weeks into the new year, a friend of mine who I had shared the deepest hurts of my miscarriage with told me that while praying for me, she heard that I need to be content in the season that I was in. Specifically, I need to let go of my need to control and, instead, wait on God’s timing.
Of course, that’s not what I wanted to hear. I wanted to continue to chart and track everything in my fertility app. I am someone who believes that if you are determined and work hard, you can accomplish what you desire. But there are just some things you can’t make work for you, no matter how much you try.
But then something wonderful happened. Wouldn’t you know, two months after my conversation with my friend, I found out I was expecting.
On Thursday, March 19th, 2020 a little after 5 AM, to be exact, and six days after the Governor of my state declared a State of Emergency due to the Coronavirus pandemic, I found out I was pregnant.
Talk about timing.
That week, my period was scheduled to come on Tuesday, and when it didn’t, I felt a little flutter in my heart, but I did not want to get my hopes up.
The week prior, I was experiencing some early pregnancy symptoms, but I didn’t want to let myself go there because I had false symptoms before, so I waited a few days until after my missed period to test.
When I first saw the double lines, I was happy, but then I started to cry. Thoughts of:
- What if this is a false positive?
- What if the same thing happens again?
- Don’t get too excited Petra. You got excited last time, and it didn’t work out.
I became so overcome with fear. And I know that you can’t operate in both faith and fear at the same time. I had to decide to be in faith.
I sat on the bathroom floor for a few minutes just in awe. I thought: God why did I doubt you?
Since finding out we were expecting, the journey has not been easy. I experienced bleeding during the first trimester that lasted throughout the first 18 weeks of my pregnancy.
During those first two weeks of the state’s stay-at-home order, I couldn’t get in contact with anyone in my doctor’s office. When I finally did, they were only seeing high-risk patients and other women who were further along and not that concerned with scheduling an appointment for me. I ended up switching practices because I was worried about the bleeding I was having.
Once I could see the doctor, there were appointments my husband could not attend because of COVID restrictions. This was the most difficult for me because I wanted him to have the experience of seeing our baby on the ultrasounds. Also, because of COVID, I’ve had to forgo some in-person appointments for telephone appointments which can be scary for a first-time mom and as someone who previously had a miscarriage.
In addition, because we had to be inside of our bubble for several months, we had to miss out on celebrating the pregnancy in traditional ways such as having an in-person gender reveal and baby shower.
Being pregnant during a global pandemic has not been easy, but I am so thankful. As I write this at 26 weeks pregnant, I can feel my little one kick away, and I’m reminded that there is life growing inside of me despite the current chaos of COVID and despite the challenges I faced at the beginning of my pregnancy.
If you have any questions about pregnancy during COVID, be sure to reach out.
Xo
-P
Note: Please know that I am aware that my wait was only 6 months post-miscarriage. I am aware that some women experience much longer waiting periods; I am not oblivious to that. But do not let that be a reason to minimize my experience.
Living Her Vision 
Leave a comment