Living Her Vision

The countdown to my wedding day has officially begun now that it’s less than 50 days away.

Some days, when I sit and think about the fact that I’m going to become a wife, I’m in disbelief because it feels surreal. It feels like just yesterday I was praying for God to reveal what he wanted to do in this relationship, and it also feels like yesterday I was doubting whether or not God had purposed me for marriage.

Yet, here I am in the midst of planning a wedding.

All I have to say is God is good. He is able to do exceedingly and abundantly beyond what we ask or think. If we allow him and in his time not ours.

I always had the desire to be a wife and a mother. I always envisioned my adult life with a family of my own.

Although I am a planner by nature, I never planned a set age for marriage. I was never the girl that said: By the time I’m _______ age I will be married with 2 kids and a dog.

While there is nothing wrong with that type of planning, it wasn’t me. I was more into setting career goals. I just felt as if the love and marriage part of my life would take care of itself…

before thirty.

Because in my young mind, at the time, thirty seemed so old and very far away. And after all, didn’t things just seem to work out that way for others?

During my early twenties, I was content with life. I had graduated from college and grad school and started my career. I moved into an apartment with my best friend. I had a great group of friends, and I had opportunities to travel and go on random road trips with my roommate. Life was pretty good.

Then, at thirty, I started to feel more like a failure and less of a whole woman. As if somehow marriage defined who I was as a woman. As if somehow, I was incapable of living a fulfilled life as a single person and life did not begin until I had a Mrs. preceding my name.

However, as I got further into my twenties, the desire to be married started to grow especially as my circle of single friends dwindled, and I was single longer than I had anticipated being.

As I approached my thirtieth birthday, the desire became an aching and that aching grew more poignant. It felt as if a switch suddenly came on, and all I noticed were the engaged and married people around me.

Then, at thirty, I started to feel more like a failure and less of a whole woman. As if somehow marriage defined who I was as a woman. As if somehow, I was incapable of living a fulfilled life as a single person and life did not begin until I had a Mrs. preceding my name.

Worse, I also started to attach my sense of value to marriage. Because I wasn’t married, there was something wrong with me. It didn’t matter that I had so much about myself to love and celebrate.

My feelings of failure were compounded when (well-meaning) family members, friends, and some not-so-close people began to question my singleness and the state of my love life.

I once had a friend’s mom ask me: “Do you want children?”

When I replied, “Yes. Why? Have I given you the impression that I don’t?”

She responded: “Well you’re 28. You’re getting older. Your closest friends have children and some are married. Just wondering what you’re waiting for.”

Ouch. [Act nonchalant and don’t let your mind go there]

I also had a family member who would constantly ask: “So when are you getting married?” Or she would say, “You can’t wait forever. You want to make sure that you can have kids.”

*insert eye roll*. [Smile on the outside and say something witty]

Although well-meaning, the connotation of these questions and comments is that

• Something went wrong in my life and I missed the love boat.
• My biological clock is ticking.
• My friends have a significant other and children, so I must feel lonely and left out.
• It’s easy to find someone and get married.
• And the worst message of all, something is wrong with me as to why I am “old” and single.

I am sure some of you reading this can relate.

From my mid-twenties on, I let these questions and conversations bother me. I started to compare my journey to others which made me feel behind. The current state of my life was no longer good enough because it seemed as if everyone else was much further ahead. Even when I entered into a relationship, it wasn’t progressing quickly enough for me. (More on that story in the next part of this series.)

It wasn’t until several months after turning thirty that I got to a point where I just said “God, I’m tired; have it your way. You know the desires of my heart. You know that I want to be married, but more than just being married, I want to be happily married.” I got to a place where I just completely surrendered to him.

I stopped focusing on the destination of marriage, and instead, started focusing on really healing my broken places instead of numbing them.

During that process, God showed me that everything within its time. As scripture tells us, “To everything there is a season, and a time to every purpose under heaven…” (Ecc. 3:1).

To be honest, looking back on my twenties and the woman I was then, I wasn’t ready to be a wife. I thought I was, but there were still things I needed to work through.

Anyone can get into a relationship, and anyone can get married. But that doesn’t mean you’re in the right relationship.

Don’t rush the process.

The process may be lonely at times and your heart may ache and you may even be envious of your engaged and married friends, but remember that everyone’s journey is different and unique.

I know for me, there are so many times that I not only thought about rushing the process but I did rush the process, and it only set me further back.

I had to walk through my singleness and learn some things about myself, some of which were not pretty.

Had I not gone through that season and process, I would not be walking into my marriage a whole person. I would have been a broken person standing at the altar, saying my vows, and putting unrealistic expectations on my spouse to make me whole.